In order to support our children's regulation, we need to prioritise our own self-regulation as adults. When we are emotionally regulated, we are better equipped to respond calmly and effectively, which not only benefits our interactions with children and students, but also supports our overall well-being.

When we neglect our own regulation, the stress accumulates, which can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion. This impacts our health, relationships, and even our ability to be present in our own lives.

Supporting our regulation isn’t just about being a better parent or educator, it's also about taking care of ourselves so we can thrive and lead balanced lives. When we learn to stay calm in challenging situations, we nurture our mental and emotional health and model this essential skill to the children around us.

Why Self-Regulation Matters for Adults

The nervous system works like a mirror: when adults stay calm, it helps children feel safe. By regulating ourselves, we create a ripple effect, showing kids that calmness is possible even in moments of stress, which supports their own emotional development. Techniques like deep breathing, grounding exercises, and mindfulness can help you manage your own emotions. This self-care is not selfish; it's essential.

You can’t pour from an empty cup, and maintaining emotional balance allows you to be the best version of yourself for your children and for your own life.

Understanding How Our Nervous Systems Impact Each Other

As adults, whether parents or educators, it's essential to understand that our nervous systems can significantly impact those of children.

When we remain calm and regulated, our nervous system communicates safety and emotional stability to the
children around us. This is vital because children (especially if we are working with children impacted by trauma) might not have fully developed the ability to regulate their emotions independently.

A concept known as "mirror neurons" explains why this happens. These neurons allow children to mimic or mirror the emotional states of the adults around them. If we, as adults, become dysregulated or stressed, children often subconsciously adopt these same emotions and behaviours. This highlights the importance of maintaining our own calmness to set a stable emotional foundation for the children we support.

What to Say to a Child When You’re Dysregulated (in the Red Zone)

There will inevitably be times when we, as adults, feel overwhelmed, stressed, or dysregulated. The ups and downs of life, especially the unexpected moments can lead us to feeling this way. When this happens, it's important to validate our emotions while still setting boundaries that communicate safety and responsibility.

Here are some phrases you might say:

• "I’m feeling really frustrated right now and need a moment (or a few moments) to calm down before we continue to ..."

This phrase acknowledges your frustration while indicating that you need space, modelling the importance of self-regulation.

• "I need a minute to breathe, then we can talk about what’s going on with..."

This allows you to step back and model the act of taking a breather before addressing the issue.

By using phrases like these, you communicate to the child that it's okay to experience strong emotions but that you also have a responsibility to manage them in a healthy way.

What to Say After You’ve Regulated

Once you've regained control over your emotions, there is a golden opportunity to use this moment as a learning opportunity. Acknowledging your dysregulated moment humanises you and teaches the child how to manage similar situations.

Here are some ways you might do that:

• "I was feeling very upset earlier, and I needed some time to calm down."

This phrase explains to the child that everyone, including adults, can get
upset and need time to regulate.

• "I want to show you how I calmed my body down and we can try doing it together."

This is an excellent opportunity to model self-regulation techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding, that the child can learn and use in their own moments of distress.

Strategies for Self-Regulation for Adults

To effectively co-regulate with children, adults must have their own self-regulation strategies in place. Here are some key practices that can help adults manage their own emotions:

• Breathing exercises: Simple techniques like deep belly breathing can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the body down.

• Grounding techniques: Focus on the present moment by using your five senses. For example, feel the texture of an object or notice five things you can see around you.

• Positive self-talk: Remind yourself that it’s okay to take a pause. Phrases
like, "I can handle this," or "It's okay to step away for a moment," can reinforce emotional control.

• Time-outs for adults: Just like children, adults benefit from brief breaks to cool down and reflect. Taking a short walk or engaging in a quick mindfulness exercise can help you return to the situation with a clearer mind. If your child is old enough to understand a timer, some adults like to give themselves a 2-5 minute visual timer that communicates while the timer is going the adult is doing their own regulation activity and to not interrupt unless it is an emergency.

In conclusion, self-regulation is foundational not just for our own well-being but for teaching children how to manage their emotions too. Our ability to stay regulated in moments of stress can set the stage for more emotionally resilient children. As adults, we must prioritise our emotional health, not only to foster a stable environment for the children in our care but also to support our own mental and emotional well-being.

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Part 1of 2: Supporting the Self-Regulation of Parents and Educators

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